Tease

My life is complicated. It gets a bit difficult from time to time. Lately I’ve had some issues with a cut on my lip. The fucker doesn’t stop bleeding. The second I go to eat or laugh or smile, the scab breaks and it just starts to bleed. It doesn’t gush blood, so I’m not losing anything significant. It’s more annoying than anything. For instance the other night, I accidentally picked at it. The scab came off and it just started to bleed. Normally constant pressure would clot a cut in about 10-20 minutes. That would be normal, I guess. (Typically after a blood draw at the lab, they tell me to keep the gauze and the tape on for no less than 30 minutes). I really don’t complain, nor do I even like to complain. But it is really fucking frustrating. To leave the house, the people walking around already have their curiosity stoked when they turn their gaze onto my battery vest. Now they look at my lip and I have a black scab in the middle. So sure it’s a bit aesthetic but it also is a concern if I start bleeding out of nowhere. It is going to be an inconvenient mess. Just frustrating in all angles. In the midst of this reality, I’ve come to the point where I am increasing my physical activity. I am lifting my 10# kettlebells every morning for about 10-20 minutes. I love the feeling. It almost feels normal. I also go for a daily walk around Kate Sessions. It is not an easy walk but I love the challenge and getting my assisted heart pumping and feeling the amazing breeze of being outside. When I think about how far I’ve come. It’s bittersweet. It’s almost sort of a waste of time. Due to the fact of having to at some point in the near future, having my heart replaced by another human’s heart, and undergoing open heart surgery again, I sometimes wonder if it’s counterintuitive. It kinda feels like a tease. My plan is to have a full 2018 with the LVAD pump and gradually get to the point of preparing myself for the inevitable process of getting listed for a transplant. Sure I can wait a few years and live with the LVAD. Do I want to take a chance on living with my current weak, failing heart and it fails again? Do I want to go through all of that again? I’d much rather choose. I’d like to be proactive in this process. I’d also like to be as young as possible, so hopefully with age on my side, the healing & recovery process would be similar as it has been this past time. I am in no way upset or sad with this thought. It’s just reality. It’s my reality and I take it on with mental pride and strength. My life is complicated, what can I say? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Mike Cohen