Posts tagged Positivity
Taking it All In

Photography has become my new passion. It all start years and years ago via my Blackberry and eventually my iPhones. I loved having a good camera with me at all times, but I just never wanted to have to lug around a DSLR or a point and shoot. Unless I was on vacation or at a Yankees’ game, would I bring a camera with me. I would take photos in a way that would capture exactly what I was looking at. I wouldn’t edit them. I wouldn’t change them. I would just take them, so I could always have that moment with me. 

Presently, I now seek out sunsets and any scenic landscape that I want to consistently be able to look at. See, when you spend as much time as I have in a hospital and recovering inside at home, you live and die with those photos of those beautiful sunsets or scenic point of views that you’ve randomly taken over the years. 

I think that’s why I am so into photography now. I want to absorb all that’s around me at all times, visually. If I’m ever back in the hospital for any reason, I’d have tons of photos I could look at to take me back to the moment I shot them. 

My intentions with photography is to shoot visuals that inspire and invoke emotion for anyone looking at them. To be able to bring these photos with them, whenever they need to momentarily escape, find some inspiration or find some level of grounding.  

In the coming weeks, I am releasing a photo book, of my recent experience being admitted in the hospital, being treated for a blood clot in my LVAD heart pump and waiting for the heart transplant. I am excited to show you and invoke any questions or thoughts you that may come to mind. Anything I could do to educate, inform and inspire you, I will do.




2:11AM Conclusion

I’ve come to the conclusion that, I may have to live with a bit of tightness in my chest area. Especially in the area of the sternum scars. 

This is coming from my post LVAD open heart surgery, and noticing at the 8 weeks recovered then, I still have tightness in that area. Mostly when I stand up.

That’s ok. It’s part of who I am.

Birthday Hangover

Just finished my go-to daily breakfast of blueberry pancakes and turkey sausage. For breakfast dessert, I had a couple pieces of chocolate chip cookie cake from my birthday party yesterday. As I’m enjoying the second slice of cookie, I look around the room and it is pretty stocked with remnants of birthday celebrating. I smile. I just remember how hard I was laughing playing Mario Kart and Goldeneye with a couple of my best friends. I am definitely in the beginning of a birthday hangover.

I enjoy this breakfast thoroughly, knowing that it may be my last before my heart comes. Or it may be the last before I get discharged, and likely never have this same breakfast again. I mean I’ve had it pretty much every day that I’ve been admitted to the hospital. You should be able to see why I would never want to have it again, if I am able to cook my own breakfast, once I get home.

I disconnect from the wall power and connect to batteries. I put both batteries in my Herschel dob kit, which has acted as my new battery holder, for as long as I’ve been in the hospital for this stay. At some point it should return to its initial intended job of holding toiletries and my toothbrush. As of the moment it is just another momentary glimpse of some what of a normal life.

I slip on the new Ugg slippers that Missy got for my birthday, and smile. She has amazing taste in slippers. I put my AirPods on (one less cord) and turn Spotify onto my favorite playlist. Consisting of Explosions in the sky and The Mattson 2, to name a few. I walk out of my room and close the door behind me.

As I walk I am walking past the first nurse station on my right, I say hi to whoever is sitting there. I just walk. Sometimes as I walk, the doors of other patients’ rooms are open. I try not to peek inside. Sometimes I can see that these patients are really struggling. The faces are just blank. They have a bunch of tubes and cords connected and definitely void of inspiration, of happiness. I truly find myself wanting to walk in the room and sit down with them.

I stop myself because I am extremely concerned with getting sick right now, especially being on the heart transplant list in the highest position. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize receiving that call, if I contact an illness or a flu.

I smile. I try to make eye contact. I hope with them seeing me walk around the floor, they are inspired or motivated to walk whenever they can.

I continue walking. I see all of these very sick, in bad situation patients and I just can’t stop being grateful for how healthy I am. Some of you may read that and think I’m crazy to say that. I am actually healthy. My heart is the only part of my body that has failed and is not in good condition. If it wasn’t for me having 2.5 years of chemo, years and years ago, I would’ve never had all of these heart issues. I constantly recognize this gift and live with constant positivity. Constant gratification. Constant inspiration and motivation. Just because my heart has failed doesn’t mean the rest of me has. Whenever I get the heart, I will recognize my second chance at life and just live exactly how I do now.

The most constant concept that I think about in my head, that keeps me grounded and fighting for this life and those in my life is, that it could be worse.

Only took me 4 weeks...

I always walk to the area where I can look outside to the world that I am currently not a part of. I will be, but not right now. It only took me 4 weeks to realize that:

This place is so familiar. Their faces are familiar. I have become a prisoner because of my health. Yet this is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve lived a lot of my life in a hospital. More recently than ever before. Now I am presently in the best condition than I ever have before, compared to the other hospital stays.

I’ve never been healthy enough during my previous visits, to be able to freely walk around the floors whenever I wanted, unsupervised. The position where I sit in the waiting area, allows me to just people watch. Observe others in their life and just allows me to recognize my opportunity to truly and genuinely focus on myself and preparing myself for this life change. This wait and this time is more than opportune. It’s just. It’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be.

I may not be where I want to be but I currently have time to just focus on myself. To be me. To be constantly pursuing a direction of forward. Pursuing health. Pursuing freedom.

Here's some wisdom that I've learned from today's walk some thoughts that have helped me get to this conclusion, I am grateful to share with you. I hope you find something to apply to your own life:

Throw out your map. Ignore & forget the way you had envisioned your path, your relationship, your career, your life, etc. Life happens, whether you want it to or not.

Let go of your desire to control. The more control you crave, the less you actually have. Focus on controlling your mindset. You dictate whether or not something affects you. You are in charge of having a short fuse. The more negative you are, the more negativity you attract. The more positive you are, the more positivity you attract. 

You can do it. Whatever it is. Focus on what you can do rather than what you can't. Focus on what you have, rather than what you don't have. Make today the best you can. You deserve it.


Currently listening to: The Mattson 2 - Pleasure Point



Mike CohenPositivity, life, self-help