Posts tagged frustration
Takes the Cake

I’ve been through a good amount of shit in my life. I’ve started death in the face a few times. I’ve had a significant amount of uncertainties. I am officially ranking this current experience as the hardest I’ve ever felt. The most powerLESS. The least amount of control I’ve never had. I mean chemo is pretty fucking bad. The worst in regards of treatments, or in the idea of a solution, it is absolute torture. However, that came with a schedule. I knew when it would be, I knew how long it would be for and when it would be finished. If I survived each and every day of chemo, that was my way of measuring time. Having the heart attack, was sudden and out of nowhere. The time frame of that process was quick. If medication didn’t work, we need to implant the LVAD and remove that massive clot from your heart. Friday would be the day of surgery to get the LVAD. 

This current process of staying in the hospital and being on the heart transplant list in my current condition, is fucked. As I’ve already expressed, my heart already drops whenever the door opens for the last 28 days. They transferred me here to UCSD to treat my high LDH level (the clot in the pump) and eventually receive the heart transplant. Having the complications of my heart pump, allowed them to list me on the heart transplant list as a 1-A for 30 days. Now my LDH level is constantly decreasing, and my condition is constantly improving , means that the clot that has been in my heart pump, is almost gone. This also acts as a double edged sword. With my condition improving and the clot dissolving, I will lose my 1-A level once the 30 days is up (in 4 days). So pretty much if I don’t get a heart in the next few days, it could be a much longer while until I receive one. The constant mind fucks that I’ve experienced in the past 28 days have been unbelievable. I am over them. I am literally to the point of not knowing what I would prefer; receiving the new heart in the next few days, or be discharged and then wait at home for that call. My brain is fried. I am done thinking. Oh yeah and my 33rd birthday is  February 21st, what do I want to do? HA!

Mike Cohenfrustration, heart, patience
Bleeding Distractions

I took a 3-hour nap today. It gave me a massive shot of energy. It was late in the day and my body really needed it. I really enjoy writing at night. Tonight it’s late night jazz. I’m focusing on the writing assignment given to me by my editor. She wants me to develop my list of scenes. It’s a bit chilly in here and I have one of my Patagonia vests on. I’m just really enjoying this evening. Out of nowhere, I touched my lip and it is just bleeding everywhere. I had got a cut on my lip a few days ago, that probably will take me weeks to heal. It’s just such a massive splash of cold water in the face. Reminding me always that my reality is always here. Sometimes it's refreshing. Sometimes it's just that tiny thing that gets under your skin. This case it's the lip. Blood everywhere. I have to make sure I clot it before I take my nightly blood thinner. Maybe I could just turn up the volume of the jazz and it’ll drown out the blood.