Posts tagged life
Fully Lonely

It has been a LONG time since I have felt alone. I think it was when I first moved to Long Island, I was about 13 years old. I didn't know anyone. Whenever I wasn't hanging out with my younger brother, I was in my room writing. I think it could've been considered a "phase", I was going through.

A common phrase I have used and witnessed, is "You just don't understand!". I feel I've said it when I feel I was trying to communicate to either my family, friends, ex-girlfriends, ex-friends, etc, and they just weren't seeing my point of view. It was also my attempt to make myself the center of attention, doing what I could for people to either feel bad for me, or to come up or down to my level and try to "understand", for whatever I was trying to communicate.

I have spent much time over the years in my thoughts. For one, trying to process and understand why I was diagnosed with cancer at the age of eighteen years old. As well as experiencing the brutal side effects of chemotherapy, bone marrow biopsies, spinal taps, constant uncertainty and constant pain.

I feel I've become much more mature and much better with communication. Whether it was in the form of writing it down or speaking it out. In July, when I experienced the heart attack and the eventual open heart surgery to implant the LVAD, I didn't complain. I understood when they told me, the heart attack was caused by the two and half years of chemotherapy. It was a matter of when not if. 

So when they told me about having to become listed for a heart transplant, I understood. This was all a part of the plan.

Now that I am over three months since my heart transplant,  I barely understand the sacrifice for the donor as well as their family. To have received the letter from James' family, and to know James was in the Navy, this Memorial Day has been quite difficult.

Honestly, Memorial Day was mostly a three day weekend for me. It's now a day when there was more than one sacrifice by James. 1. Serving his country. 2. His unfortunate/untimely death, has allowed me to live.

I don't know how to put into words. I have deep, deep feelings about James' sacrifice. It's a painful gratefulness, it's a painful appreciation, and an extremely painful love. I find it extremely difficult to accept how much pain his family is in. His mom, his dad, his siblings, his fellow soldiers, his friends. 

I have accepted, that I am fully lonely in my feelings and thoughts of where I am in life, and I am at peace with that realization. 92 days later, I have significantly improved in every way. Mainly because of the incredibly health heart that I received from James. I have lived a long time of my 33 years, unknowingly unhealthy and unknowingly, slowly dying. The rest of my body has fully accepted the organ and I have never felt as alive and healthy as I do right now.

It's pretty sad to read that.


2:11AM Conclusion

I’ve come to the conclusion that, I may have to live with a bit of tightness in my chest area. Especially in the area of the sternum scars. 

This is coming from my post LVAD open heart surgery, and noticing at the 8 weeks recovered then, I still have tightness in that area. Mostly when I stand up.

That’s ok. It’s part of who I am.

Only took me 4 weeks...

I always walk to the area where I can look outside to the world that I am currently not a part of. I will be, but not right now. It only took me 4 weeks to realize that:

This place is so familiar. Their faces are familiar. I have become a prisoner because of my health. Yet this is probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve lived a lot of my life in a hospital. More recently than ever before. Now I am presently in the best condition than I ever have before, compared to the other hospital stays.

I’ve never been healthy enough during my previous visits, to be able to freely walk around the floors whenever I wanted, unsupervised. The position where I sit in the waiting area, allows me to just people watch. Observe others in their life and just allows me to recognize my opportunity to truly and genuinely focus on myself and preparing myself for this life change. This wait and this time is more than opportune. It’s just. It’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be.

I may not be where I want to be but I currently have time to just focus on myself. To be me. To be constantly pursuing a direction of forward. Pursuing health. Pursuing freedom.

Here's some wisdom that I've learned from today's walk some thoughts that have helped me get to this conclusion, I am grateful to share with you. I hope you find something to apply to your own life:

Throw out your map. Ignore & forget the way you had envisioned your path, your relationship, your career, your life, etc. Life happens, whether you want it to or not.

Let go of your desire to control. The more control you crave, the less you actually have. Focus on controlling your mindset. You dictate whether or not something affects you. You are in charge of having a short fuse. The more negative you are, the more negativity you attract. The more positive you are, the more positivity you attract. 

You can do it. Whatever it is. Focus on what you can do rather than what you can't. Focus on what you have, rather than what you don't have. Make today the best you can. You deserve it.


Currently listening to: The Mattson 2 - Pleasure Point



Mike CohenPositivity, life, self-help