alone

from time to time, I get these memories that come out of nowhere. They bring me back to a time when something traumatic happens. Postively traumatic and negatively traumatic. I remember before my phone was also my notepad, I would drive to the beach by myself. Life was tough and I just needed to clear my head. I lived about 20 minutes away from Jones Beach. the beaches out there were just perfect when you needed to be by yourself.

I’d sit on the dock of an abandoned restaurant and just stare. I’d cry. I’d yell. I’d scream. Wasn’t really confident on my means of expression but I felt the ocean understood.

tonight, I am alone. It was only Lincoln and I, and that was perfect. No ex girlfriend, no friends, no family, just him and I. He literally made me belly laugh. He is a special creature and I am so lucky to have him. I like being alone.

Not exactly sure how to put words or a title to this but, I have this insatiable desire for more. More living. More experiences. More laughs. More smiles. Different scars. Different memories. Different locations. All new. All fresh. New stories. New living. that’s what I want.

alone.

We don’t know what we don’t know

Which is a lot. I know that right now I am having trouble sleeping. Took an ambien, as I do every single night. I typically feel it kick in, not too long after I take it. Felt it kick in, put my sleeping blinders on, fan on blast and tried to focus on nothing. Right.

There’s never nothing that I’m focusing on. My mind and my heart are fully powered up and looking to live every single second of my life, awake. My body is always sore as fuck. No pain. No flu-like sore. Just overall, beat. The respiratory infection my body was fighting, over six weeks from the end of my cross country bike ride, took a lot out of me.

So I went from being physically beaten due to cycling 1,500 miles across the US, to fighting an infection with no immune system. Facts.
Honestly, I’m trying to retire at the age of 34. I will figure it out. If you know anyone interested in buying my story, let me know.

Flat tire while riding through Alamogordo, NM

Life is pretty heavy. Life just throws you whatever it wants to throw you. And we all continue fighting for the life that we get to live. It creates warriors out of each and everyone of us that has a muscle of some sort. Within somewhere inside of ourselves. It’s gotten us all to where we currently are. It teaches us how to be grateful for all parts of the experience. It’s better to have a single thing than nothing at all. That single thing is enough to fight for, which is life itself. Focus on what you are, who you are, when you are, why you are and where you are.