Satisfactory Heart

It is 18 days since I was transferred to UCSD Sulpizio Cardiovascular Center. Every morning about 9am, I receive a visit from my cardiologist. This past Friday, he came by and told me they received an offer for a heart for me. They said it was a satisfactory heart. It wasn't to the quality and condition they are looking for. They passed. 

It is ABSOLUTELY CRAZY to me, that my life has gotten to this point. I went from finally getting used to the LVAD and the insanity of being connected to a constant power source and walking around with a cord, to being admitted for over two weeks awaiting a new heart. 

Damn the times have changed just a bit. I had a few tough days last week. I spent a few days very quiet. Staying in my head, wondering why I am here. Sad, that I am still here. I am a stubborn man. I know this. I am here because I have a blood clot in my heart pump. The medication that I need to constantly be on, is only available in IV drip and I am at risk for a stroke if I am not at a level to come off of that medication. 

Physically, I am walking constantly. I have no issues getting in and out of bed. I am using the restroom without help. Missy brought my LVAD shower gear and the other day, I had a shower. Showers, are absolutely amazing. They can be a frustrating procedure, but they are such a pleasure. I have them about 1x a week. I am grateful to have those couple minutes to myself and just enjoy. (See below for shower clips).

Mentally, I am great. I am overall, feeling great. I have been doing my best to prepare myself mentally for this surgery. There is no schedule. No set date. No prep. It can happen at ANY minute. I can be on my daily walk and the doctors come up to bring me to the operating room. I try not to do too much planning. This is my new routine. This is my new life.

It's Monday, be grateful for your Monday. You are subconsciously experiencing your day. You are in your routine. It is so crazy how it can all change without your consent. Enjoy.

Currently Listening to: Explosions in the Sky - Warrior

Morning After

Morning after finding out the news about being listed for a heart. I am still in shock. I am not emotional. I am focused. I am focused on doing everything I can with the previous experience with cancer treatments, open heart surgery recovery, and LVAD instructions, to absolutely crush this upcoming recovery. I have always been completely in alignment with my doctors and physicians throughout all of my medical experiences. I have been “seasoned” for this. I plan on with this absolutely incredible, eventual second gift of life, take my living, my mindset, my strength to a higher level. I finally will be wireless again. The leash is off, just watch and see what I will accomplish.

on phone with Dr Urey (lead cardiologist) receiving the news about being listed. 

Dear Heart,

Dear Heart,

I am writing this to you as I am in the process of being prepared to have you replaced. I cannot even begin to describe or explain how difficult it is to put this into words, but I will do the best that I am able to do. Our time together is unbelievably coming to an end. You were beaten and abused to the point of no return. Being in relationships and various life experiences that broke you, countless amount of times. Experiencing growth that really stretched you, I did my best to not let it completely break you. Some people’s hearts never recover from those serious life events. Not you. Then cancer came at 18. The chemo drugs were just too much. You failed then but yet were still strong enough to keep me going. You gave me the chance, to pursue some crazy shit. You spoke to me and I followed your advice and completely relocated out to San Diego. After getting the rest of my body recovered and strong enough to pursue “cardio” based physical activity, I completed several running events without missing a single beat. Not long after you also gave me the chance to cross a major item off of my bucket list. You became strong enough to allow me to ride a road bike across the United States. I’m not sure if that was too much for you, but it was absolutely unreal. After the ride, I really became completely focused on letting your voice be heard. I realized that what you and I have been through, was really important for other people to hear. For others to see how strong you have been through all of my life, up until that point. It seemed fitting, that right around that point, was when I met Missy. She had a heart that was able to completely communicate with you. The love that her heart has given to me is almost as amazing as yours. It seemed that I was actually making some significant progress with getting both of our voices heard, you were pushed to a point where you couldn’t recover. We were seriously attacked. Those chemo drugs were significantly more powerful than we both anticipated. The clot that formed in your left ventricle was way too big. I get it. There was just so much that you were able to do about it. They tried to fix you with some powerful medications and it just didn’t work. Then they installed the pump that was supposed to help you do your job. You did a great job with the help. It just wasn’t enough. You’ve been through so much, it’s time to let you rest in love, in peace. It’s time for me to get a stronger heart. It’s the only way I can continue living. It’s not fair to have you go through more stress and chemicals. I want to thank you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to live an absolutely crazy, inspiring, powerful life for the last 32 years. You have been able to create so much love from others, love for others, strength in every aspect of life and just the amazing ability to open my eyes and absorb what this world has to offer. You have given me so much to be proud of and to share with the world. Your voice will be heard, your strength will be recognized. You will not be forgotten. Love is not the word, to describe my feeling for you, it’s life. I’m not giving up on you, as you know I’ve never given up on anything.  If I had a choice, you would be with me until the end, I’m just not ready to have that end be at 32 years. I have so much more to do.

Your partner in crime, 

Michael David Cohen
Mike Cohen
Mikey New York
Mikey Baby